My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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