only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
