I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
