Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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