So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
