dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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