if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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