My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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