saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
