What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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