People in love make me want to vomit
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So many bounce houses so little time
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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