i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
