Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
