If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
