He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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