I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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