just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
