I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
