Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
