What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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