I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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