i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize