god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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