Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
