My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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