You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
