I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
