she woke up with a sticky ear
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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