Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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