fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
