Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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