Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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