So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize