I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
