was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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