She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
