I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
