I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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