Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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