final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A bitchslap is in order.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
