broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize