I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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