I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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