Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
