Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
