I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
this hospital has no fireball
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
