just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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