You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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