this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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