New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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