she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
my liver is dry heaving
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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