that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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