I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
