i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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