I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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