Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
