Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
