this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
