How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
