im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
