I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
